My Children

Let me make it very clear that I never have done anything in my life that would remotely give me the idea that I am entitled to the amazing children that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, I clearly recognized that he deserved so much more than the person he would be receiving as a mother. My life has been tainted with many mistakes and stained with self inflicted experiences that would determine I probably should not have children. I did not treat my body as the gift it is for many years, possibly because so many in my life took advantage of that gift as well. But the day I realized I would bear my first son, I decided to do bettter. When you know better you do better and I would be everything I possible could for him and the babies that I knew would follow. Michael is an amazing person. Strongwilled, responsible, hard working and sensitive. He learned most of these things from his father, another blessing I have never done anything to deserve but that I try everyday to not take advantage of. All of my chilren have brought a new spirit and energy to our family and home and all of them have strengthened me in ways I could probably never describe. The reason for this post is simply how amazed I am that my children came to me with such strong testimonies of their value, strength and missions here on earth. My third son Ryan and my oldest daughter Avery have always loved being in the temple as soon as they were old enough to attend.Last year they would wake on their own every Friday at 4:30 am to go and do baptisms for the dead. Without fail they would go every Friday, come home and eat breakfast and then be on time for the bus to pick them up for school. They would assure me that if I would go I would not be tired and my days would be much happier. In my state of depression and bitterness I refused their offers but sensed they may be right. My testimony grew as I watched my babies testify of temple work every friday before the sun rose. Their grades were better, they fought less with each other and the other kids, they seemed to accomplish so many things and they were truly happy. Our home was a better place too. After moving to our new home in August of 2011, they were unable to get rides and so their attendance dropped. Last month Ryan came to Gary and I and shared that he was struggling with profanity. He asked for a blessing and then continued to tell us that he really needed us to take him to the temple every week. It was where he needed to be. How can a parent deny a child the opportunity to feel the spirit in the temple weekly. We began attending with Ryan and Avery that very week. Because of the holidays it was impossible to find the time to attend for the following two weeks but last night we found ourselves within the walls of the Idaho Falls temple again. My heart was full with emotion and gratitude as I watched my children race to the doors of the temple and ring the bell to be admitted. They feel so at ease and at home there. They do not need me to show them where to go or what to do. It is a familiar place to them, a place that they crave. So Ryan extended us the challenge to attend the temple 52 times in 2012. Only 51 times more and we will make our goal. I am pretty sure that we will receive so much more than we are anticipating at this point and I am anxious to share what we learn while serving those who can not do those things for themselves. Thank you Heavenly Father for amazing children. Thank you for blessing me with children I do not deserve so that I may become "MORE"!

2012 - My year of MORE

I dread New Year Resolutions mostly because I feel pressure to make them and usually never achieve most of the ones I finally set but my resolution this year is to change that. I have thought for weeks what I wanted to change or be different or what bad habits to stop and the anxiety crowded in over another failure.
I love sugar and soda and french fries so why do I have to stop. I obsess about my weight every minute of every day so I know I need to lose but this year I decided to only have resolutions that added to my life. I want more in my life. I want more love, more memories, more health, more time with my kids, more energy, more dates with my husband, more celebrations, simply more. So for 2012 I resolve to have more. ‎
2012 -I promise to eat more fruits and vegetables, more mornings not stepping on the scale, spend more time in the temple, read more pages of the BOM, testify of my Savior more, date my lover and best friend more, more pictures and video, more creativity, remember more birthdays and anniversaries, more journaling, more memories with my kids, more laughing with my friends, more scrapbooking, more organization, more snuggling. This is my year of MORE cuz I am damn sick of having less!

30 Day Challenge

Here is the talk that inpired me to think about the way that I would choose to spend the next 30 days of my life. It is going to go by whether I sit in darkness shrouded with fear or whether I try only one new thing and venture out to "LIVE BIG" once again. Share with me your new 30 Day Challenge. http://youtu.be/JnfBXjWm7hc

My Aim

"I aim here only at revealing myself, who will perhaps be different tomorrow, if I learn something new, which changes me." -- Montaigue

I have put this off for far too long. Today I begin a 30 day Challenge mostly focusing on becoming healthy yet I know it will change me more than physically. I also had challenged myself to learn from my story, to inspire with my story and to grow from within the tale that is mine to be told. For months I have tossed the idea of blogging my journey of healing and growth and yet one thing held me back. Fear! Today I confront the very thing that I have trusted more than anything in my life and that is Fear! What do I fear? The list may be longer than the things that do not scare me and yet my mask will tell you that I am fearless. Masks are there to deceive. This mask, my mask, has been worn for many years. So many years I am struggling to understand how to live without it. I fear I am not living, I fear loss, trusting to much, unkind words, death of those I cling to for validation. I am scared to death of failure, of having hope that may be crushed, again! I fear success in some ways. I fear being fat, yet I sabotage the very thinness that I pray for. I fear the dark and all that can and does linger just outside of where my eyes can view. I fear being wrong about some things and yet other situations in my life I fear that I am right. I fear not being loved and I fear too much attention for being great. I fear not understanding and I fear being lonely for forever.I love to listen to stories of others. To try to wrap my mind around the shear endurance of the human spirit. I revel in their journey and their strength. I crave for their tenacity and ability to be so humble. I yearn to be as inspiring to someone as so many great storytellers are for me. I have slowly taken a bit of my mask away for moments to reveal my story to some. "That is such an incredible story. You should write a book." Not sure mine is any different in pain or sorrow or triumph but it is mine. I am inpired, empowered, liberated to some degree through someone else's story. May I have the same affect on someone else? I was once told that when you are young, your job is to make sure you live a life that makes a good story. Sooo, I lived life, I played BIG, and I made the beginning of my story spectacular and then the fears began to creep in and I find myself afraid to even share the beginning of my story. But today the mask will be removed and the story will be told and lived as I visit this "Healing Box" and work on transforming my fears through my faith. So here is to transformation, healing, inpiration and liberation to me and maybe just a bit can rub off on you.